Miss Kittin

Today I bought Miss Kittin Live at SÓNAR. It is ace. So ace that I didn't realise that I had set fire to my noodles. I was too busy dancing around the kitchen.

Abstinence

I think I might follow Ben and take the month off drinking but it will be enforced through lack of funds rather than any real desire to stop boozing so much.

On Course for Disaster

I went to London for a course but on arrival at the training centre I discovered that I hadn't actually been booked on it and the course wasn't actually running. The personnel department say that the training company had cancelled the course without letting me know. The training company said that the personnel department never booked it in the first place. Doh! Whoever's fault it was it was a waste of money.

I didn't bother me too much, I met up with Nick for lunch and then caught the train home. Also I will get to see Ben get shitfaced on one pint after his month of abstinence.

Leicester

I've had a very drunken weekend in Leicester with Paul, Kerri, Joe, Dan, Phil and some of Kerri's friends. We started the session mid-afternoon with half a bottle of wine each and then went downhill rapidly. Paul dragged us to a godawful pub with live blues music which didn't go down too well, later we gatecrashed a private punk/ska birthday party. I danced a lot.

I can't really expand on the night as I was drinking mostly cider and had become pretty sozzled by about seven and carried on drinking till...whenever. And I only remember the basic details.

Sunday afternoon was perfect, I didn't feel too bad, considering the amount I had drunk. We met up with Rob and Caroline for a Sunday roast in The Pump and Tap, I thought the food was a bit naff but the music in the pub and the company was ideal for a lazy Sunday afternoon. We sat reading the paper and got nicely oiled again. I drank some very strong belgian lager which went to my head rather quickly. Joe was driving and he had to stay on the orange juice, he complained that he would have rather spent his Sunday on his own in front of the TV rather than with friends and beer. I think we spent nearly five hours in the pub before finally deciding it was time to go home.

Erasing Memories - Again

Messing around in her bedroom, getting tipsy before an English Oral exam and being told that I looked like a Rock Star and Rebecca a model by the examiner because we had that special glint in our eyes.

I'd like to keep that one.

Fat, Bald, Broke, Armed and Angry!

I'm trying to compose a post here that gets across how I am feeling and where and who I am in order to understand myself better but I am finding it very difficult to write something that does not make me come across as the most depressed person in the world. I am not, lately I have been feeling (apart from one or two very black moments) pretty upbeat and happy.

The house I am in needs to be sold within three months, soon the life change I need will happen. How do I feel about this? I am looking forward to being free from a place with so many unhappy memories (free is the right word...a friend told me that when you are stuck you truly are stuck), I'll be glad to be away from the mess. I'm worried about how my relationship with Joshua will unfold. Where do I move to...I should start looking for somewhere else to live.

My circle of friends is getting smaller and smaller, sometimes I feel like I only have one or two close friends. Lately I believe I have managed to alienate some people and seem to be self-destructively burning bridges between others. I regret not keeping in closer touch with others.

I get bored too quickly, I like to have lots of people around me. Lately I am spending too much time on my own. I guess I need to do something where I meet new people.

Careerwise things aren't very interesting, I can't complain about the money but could do with a bit more stimulation. Hopefully this is due to change.

I came across some photos from when I was at my largest, I didn't look good and still don't. Truthfully, I am unhappy with my body image but realise that its only me that is keeping it this way. Maybe I should try an eating disorder that doesn't involve cake, dripping and too much beer. ;)

Colds

I haven't been to work today, I have felt too rough.

I had to go down the road to get some cat food this afternoon and I bumped into my aunt when out who went into a rant about Rebecca which was quite funny. She was going on and on and on and..... She told me she knew what I was going through (Her husband left her after about twenty years) and understood how much I hated Rebecca. I don't hate Rebecca, I certainly don't wish her harm, I just feel indifferent about her, she is irrelevant to me now. However, I do feel quite sad that I can't think of one memory of her that I would like to keep.

When I got back home I felt like I had finished an iron man challenge.

I spent the rest of the day playing CDs that I rarely listen to and reading books about Latin America.

I did install Championship Manager on my laptop but thought better of playing it as I might lose the next five days. ;)

Songs I have had Stuck in My Head

I have had the following songs stuck in my head at various times today:

Fat Bottomed Girls - Queen
Just the Way it is - Bruce Hornsby and the Range
The New Pollution - Beck

and some others that I can't remember because all I can think of at the moment is Itchycoo Park by the Small Faces

Erasing Memories

I've just watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind which got me wondering if I would regret erasing the memory of Rebecca. At the moment I cant think of any good memories which I would want to keep, all I recall are arguments and more arguments.

Doh!

UPDATE - I've been spending most of the day trying to think of memories of Rebecca that I would be unhappy to lose but sadly still can't think of any. There must be some...

New Home

My mother offered to sell me the house that I am living in for a greatly reduced price but I today I have turned her down. Some people will probably think I am mad for doing this but I dont want to come back from work every night to an empty place with lots of bad memories. I need to move out and move on. ;)

Ill

I am ill, I have bird flu mixed with an ear infection but I still had to get up to work at seven thirty this morning to finish an upgrade. Computers are crap, I hate working in IT, my PC running the upgrade scripts had the dreaded blue screen of death when I arrived at work. It took two and a half hours to get the thing restored.

Being Ill sucks! It was a nice day to be outside but all I have wanted to do is sleep all afternoon. ;(

There is loads going on in Birmingham this weekend and most of it free, I wanted to go to this but feel far too rough, hopefully I will feel better and will be able to catch some of the events tomorrow.

Being ill is boring, there is nobody here to talk to.

Flatpack Film Festival

Dan and I went to the Opening Do of the Flatpack Film Festival. We didn't get there till rather late and missed most of the films that they were showing. We caught an interesting performance by an electronic artist that made 'interesting' music and had his laptop disguised in a pizza box.

I was told by an attractive young lady that I looked cool, like 1950's Modernist Architecture??? The place was full of blokes with strange facial hair and girls that looked like boys. I pointed out to Dan that we were now obviously part of the Birmingham bohemian artist set. Ha Ha.

Dan spoiled my pretensions a little later when during the showing obscure of music videos and short films he shouted 'It's turned into fucking MTV here, they should stop showing films and play more Edith Piaf'. I can't remember if these were his exact words because the cider I had drunk has blurred my memory a little but it was something along those lines.

AAAARRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!

AAAARRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!! I'm fuckin' bored. I'm fed up of coming home to an empty house. I'm fed up of not having anyone to talk to. I'm fucked off with doing fuck all at work........

Exception Handling

I was so bored at work today that I read an article on Exception Handling.

I have no money until next Wednesday I am very poor. I want to go to Nottingham on Thursday to see Alec and the noisy grrrl from Saturday night said there would be consequences if I did not go to the Rainbow and meet her also on Thursday...

Sunday Roast

I have had a fairly pleasant day. I didn't wake up till one. Ian invited Nick and I for Sunday lunch, we drank cava and then I went to the pub for a couple of beers.

I went to collect Joshua around seven and my Mom was a little off with me. I guess I was taking liberties. ;)

Top Five Club Nights

For some daft reason I had decided to have a shot of Southern Comfort before going to bed. I think this is the reason I felt a bit rough when I was awoken to the sound of my front door being bashed off its hinges by my mother.

I had to take Joshua to a birthday party at the Billesley Pub Wacky Warehouse, luckily I wasn't required to stay so didn't. I like kids but I don't like kids birthday parties they are horrible events.

Leaving Joshua in the pub I set off to get some breakfast from a greasy spoon in Kings Heath which revitalised me. I scoured charity shops for CDs, there were quite a few that I could of bought but in the end only brought five home (Eve and Gwen Steffani, De La Soul - didn't work, Primal Scream, Electric Six and D12) at the grand total of £2.34.

I returned just as the party was finishing, took Joshua to get some shopping and then dropped him back with my Mom and Dad because I was on call and Nick was coming to stay.

Nick arrived about three and I cooked him a thrown together stir-fry thing with ingredients that had been sitting in my fridge for a while. I must say it tasted very good. We chatted for a while and then headed to Dan's house to drink cava.

Dan was revising for his adventure tourism course and says he is not drinking until 12.10pm on Tuesday. He did have a glass of sparkling chardonnay and I think a glass of cava too.

Nick showed his ex-flatmates how they could encrypt their wireless LAN in order to stop people from piggy-backing. For this he and I recieved free beer.

About nine Nick and I decided to head into town, I invited Joe but he said that he was only going to the Country Girl. Ben offered us a lift into town as he set off we discovered that his brakes were stuck which needed to be freed with the help of a lump hammer. Ben has not drank this month so far and this is probably the reason why he had a kidney infection.

Our first point of call was The Sunflower Lounge which, unusually, was full of very attractive women, I didn't know which one to look at. Ben joined us for a lemonade. For some reason the Barman gave me a shandy perhaps I was looking a little worse for wear. The Sunflower Lounge started to empty around 10.30 as people headed off towards clubs.

We had two choices, we could go to The Guardian's number two club night of the week Dirty Doggin Disco or number three Godskitchen. I figured that because Godskitchen was free we might as well go there because if its shit we can go to Doggin and not have lost anything.

We didn't stay in Godskitchen very long, I was quite enjoying the music but Nick wanted to leave because other people were wearing the same jacket as him. Also I think it was Godskitchen's ugly night because everyone (with the exception of a very pretty girl with black wavy hair) was a bit mingin' (including me).

Doggin was a bit naff as it generally is. We saw Scott and Louise but I didn't really talk to them. Neville and her mates were there and I chatted to them for a while. I had a very drunk bloke shouting the lyrics from Born Slippy at me and a very strange young lady tell me she had a hat fetish (I left her sitting with Nick and when I came back she looked like she was about to burst into tears - I mentioned this to Nick who said it was par for the course). Nick argued with a bouncer who wanted him to leave before the music had finished.

As we left Neville's mate shouted up the street that I had to be in The Rainbow on Thursday or else...

Junk

I was just about to post a very incriminating post here but realised that I definately shouldn't be saying that. I've read a few articles about people writing things on their blogs which have got them the sack. However, if you ask me personally, I will tell you what I was going to write.

Blogs are strange, you type in this stuff thinking that nobody is reading it, then you realise that people are reading it but you can't help but letting out your secrets even if they are very badly hidden.

New Inn

For some reason I agreed to meet people in the New Inn about twenty minutes after being there I was reminded why I don't like the place. Being in that places leaves me feeling much worse about myself.

Cool Mates

I had some nice responses to my Changes post from different people. They made me feel happy, I'm glad to know I've got good friends. As a result I've been feeling quite cheerful and optimistic today.

My mother told me that she was worried that I don't spend enough time with Joshua. I am too. I have gone from being the sole carer to only seeing him briefly in the evenings and sometimes at the weekends. It's very hard to spend time with him when I never really know where Rebecca has taken him and when she takes him at will.

Its also very hard when you have a longing to be elsewhere.

I sat on the train this evening trying to weigh up which would be worse, not seeing my son for six months and missing out on a whole lot of stuff or waking up in ten or twenty years time regretting staying where you never wanted to stay.

I don't think that I can't really answer that question but I think I've already made my decision.

Maybe I'm having a slightly early mid-life crisis, after all Chris told me that I'd joined the middle age club on turning thirty.

.

The Longest Day

I did a hnineteen our stint at work, starting at 9 am yesterday finishing at 5am this morning. I then went into this afternoon and did a further five hours. Most of it was spent thumb twiddling and waiting for stuff to happen.

When I arrived at work I was told that I needn't have come in and was entitled to the day off. I'll remember next time.

I am feeling rather tired now.

Happy Photo

Richard @ Cider Bar, Valencia,
originally uploaded by timparkinson.

I like this photo, I look happy.

Max and Gemma Standing Outside a Chippy

Changes

Going to Nottingham on Saturday, made me realise how daft I have been acting for the last six months and (fingers crossed) I think that I have sorted my head out which is good. Its kind of nice feeling stupid sometimes but I guess its nicer if its reciprocated.

Next I have to sort my home out, I have put up with living with someone who doesn't love me for nearly two years, which I guess is kind of stupid and in some ways my own fault. I cant truly be happy until I no longer have to see the person that deep down I still care for whilst knowing that she no longer cares for me. I'm not sure how easy it will be to get Rebecca to finally move out.

Spending Sunday afternoon with lots of friends in Nottingham made me think that maybe I missed out on certain things when I was in my twenties. Many of my friends have travellled and spent their time pretty carefree but I never had the chance. Dan reminded me that I have Joshua and that is ultimately as, if not more, rewarding and he is right. I have spent too long wallowing, feeling sorry for myself to worry about or make a fuss of Joshua and that makes me feel like the worse father in the world.

Tim told me that when he goes to Nottingham he feels like he is returning home, Dan said he would hate to live there again. I think I'm more inclined to go with Tim, Nottingham reminds me off happy times. I mentioned this to Joe via email who said that he wouldn't want to move back to Nottingham but for more aesthetic reasons. I told Joe that living anywhere other than Birmingham at this moment in time is appealing to me. This is unfortunately how I feel at the moment maybe it will change when Rebecca moves out but I don't think will, I have very itchy feet.

Although this sounds at odds with what I have said about Joshua. I don't think I will be happy if I stay in Birmingham for much longer, I am thinking about travelling in about eighteen months. That gives me long enough to save up, I'll still be reasonably young and who knows what will happen in that time.

This post isn't intended to come across as miserable, although I do feel a little sad about somethings, I feel different and feel that I will be able to make some changes for the good.

I guess that's what the New Year is about after all.

A Wild Weekend in the East Midlands with my Platonic Life Partner

I persuaded Dan to come to Nottingham with me, we caught the train about one and I had butterflies in my stomach all the way there. When we arrived Dan wandered around going 'that wasn't there before', 'ooh thats new' and 'they didnt have a TK MAXX here last time'.

We arranged to meet Tim, Gemma, Gav and Max in the Old Angel, Gemma sounded very cheerful on the phone. I got very nostalgic for my student days sitting in the pub. After several beers, lots of crap songs on the jukebox, my third cooked breakfast, Neil joining us and Alec declining the offer, we headed off to another bar via the chippy.

The next bar, Mint, was deadly quiet so we didn't stay there for too long. We wandered around looking for another bar but Nottingham was closed it seemed. Eventually we ended up in a pub whose name has long since left my memory wherer I tried to match Max's high pitched voice (which I'm sure was higher pitched the last time I met her but then she was shouting at me).

Jo and Andy joined us. Dan and I had planned to catch the last train home but he didn't really want to and was hinting to everyone that he required a room and he started to go into sulk mode when people were ignoring him.

At around half nine we went to the Rescue Rooms. Dan's hinting paid off but I didn't know until Max told me that I would be sleeping at her house (which is funny because the last time I met her she told me that I would never darken her doors again). I got very drunk, something that always happens when I go to Nottingham.

My memory of the rest of the night is quite hazy, I danced with Gemma and we twirled our hair like Dan (quite difficult for me to do) and at some point in the night I had a bit of an epiphany.

We all went back to Max's, where she finished me off with a huge glass of Brandy. I remember telling someone that they were very pretty in very bad Spanish. Tim said that Dan and I were platonic life partners, ha ha. Tim pretended to kill me with Gav's electronic gun game but I know that he wanted it to be real. ;)

People went to bed about five I think, I was woken by Dan who wanted me to leave and get the train home so that he could pretend he was doing homework and not going to bed. I declined the offer, I was still feeling the effects of the brandy.

About an hour later everyone else was up and we were planning to go to Sunday lunch and read the newspaper in a pub on the Mansfield Road. We met up with Neil, Joe and Andy in the Golden Fleece. I had a very nice sunday roast lamb dinner served by a very nice barmaid who seemed to be taking a little longer serving me pints just so she could eye me up (I think maybe I am deluding myself).

Gemma made me send topless pictures of Charlotte Church to Jo and then told me that I needed a girlfriend. Tim found a story about scientists who have spent the last year researching which surfaces are the easiest to drag sheep over, apparently corregated iron was the most difficult. We read our horoscopes for the year.

i greatly enjoyed being around lots of friends for dinner on a sunday afternoon discussing crap in the paper (I think it was the highlight of my weekend), maybe its something that people should consider doing in Birmingham.

Gemma told me to phone the rail hotline and find out what time the trains home were, I didn't bother and ended up waiting an hour at the train station, duh stupid!!! She is very sensible.

I had a cool weekend and definately feel a lot better for going to Nottingham.

Manic Depression 1 + 2

I've decided to remove the two depression posts. I think I am probably suffering from a mild form of depression but not as bad as those posts made out.

I hadn't had a decent nights sleep since boxing day when I wrote them, it was back to work day after a fantastic new year period and I have noticed that Rebecca seems to be preparing to move out. This all added up to one hell of a low.

I had a good sleep last night, actually being busy at work and Dan's cooking me a meal (although I now stink of garlic) and having someone about to talk to make me feel better, happier.

Listening to more upbeat music helps too, I played Acid house very very loudly first thing this morning. And jumped around like a loon. Subsequently I was late for work.

Another thing that has made me feel good about myself is the attention I have been getting from different women. When I first split up with Rebecca she told me that I would only meet somebody else if I lowered my standards by a long way, well on recent experiences she is very wrong.

I'm looking forward to going to Nottingham tomorrow.

Dan the Pervert

Dan is a pervert! He has started to take topless pictures of his conquests. He thought it would is a good idea to show them to his mates. I dont want him to see them. I think Dan is a sex addict and needs some counselling. ;)

The New Year Period

The last few days have been very alcoholic. I might elaborate on them further in the future but dont feel like writing too much now.

28th December - Dan's Birthday
Leigh, Andy and Phil came to Birmingham. People came around to drink lots and lots of Cava and Beer at Dan's house. We went to the Sunflower Lounge. We went back to Dan's house to drink more beer. I was (probably quite rightly) accused of fancying Caroline. I went to bed about four in the morning.

29th December - The Quiet One
I felt the most hungover I have ever done at work. Tim and Gemma egged me on to buy a spinny thing to annoy Dan and Leigh with. I ate a nut roast with a load of hippy vegetarian types. I had two beers.

30th December - Off to Edinburgh
We drove to Edinburgh. I annoyed Dan and Leigh with the spinny thing in the car until I lost the batteries. We went to a karaoke but didn't sing. I got lots of attention because of a silly hat.

New Year's Eve
I wore my silly hat, drank cider and kissed lots of women.

New Year's Day
I didn't get up in time to go swimming. Dan sulked. We went to Queensferry. Dan sulked some more. We went to a crappy jazz bar even though nobody liked jazz. I wore my silly hat again and kissed more women.

2nd January - Colin's Birthday
I slept for about four hours and we drove back to birmingham and then went out for Colin's Birthday where we saw a fight.

Photos From Edinburgo

I have the best hat

Leigh agrees!

Spinny Things

Bigger spinny things