Hogsozzle Sunday

Sunday was an odd day, I woke up bumped into Gemma who was coming back from the toilet, drank some rum and some beer and some tea but couldn't shake the hangover that I had and this was how the day was to pan out rum, beer and a lingering hangover. It was absolutely boiling hot watching bands. I tried to kip but it didn't really work. I drank lots of beer but still nothing would shift the hangover.

Joe was lurking around the festival site like a sex panther. Wayne looked like he'd been awake for several weeks. Annoying Tim was being a bit annoying. Everyone else was snoozing and enjoying the sunshine.

The paint fight was amusing to watch but far too energetic to take part in plus I had no clean clothes left and I'm not sure Joe would have been happy for me to have sat in his car covered in powder paint.

The bands seemed to go on and on and on and on and on and on and on and weren't really that great. It got dark and started to go cold, we did a bit of disco dancing and a DJ lady came on the main stage but she was a bit dull as well. They had some fire spinners and everyone went "oooooh". I planned to go to bed because I was cold, dead on my feet and feeling very rough but instead found myself back at the tents occasionally sipping a bit of rum. Gemma came back and said she wanted to go to the dance ten but instead fell on Louisa's tent and then on the floor and then on her own. I gave her some rum and she curled up into a ball.

It got too cold to stay up any longer and I went off to go to sleep only to be disappointed to find Annoying Tim and Wayne smoking in my tent again. Annoying Tim wanted to go off running around in the woods pretending to be a wolf, I told him was welcome to do so but I wouldn't be joining him. He eventually sodded off and I went to sleep.

Hogsozzle Saturday

After three hours of ignoring Annoying Tim repeating "Are you getting up Richard?" I get up, drink tea and have a very tasty bacon sandwich. I return to my tent to discover Wayne being bullied by Annoying Tim as usual and Joe lolling around in his tent. I go off to see if the others have woken up, they have. Gemma and Tim are considering leaving the site in order to replace their airbed which I am told has a slow leak, Gemma however is unsure that she should be driving given the copious amounts of rum that we had drunk the night before. More tea and some snacks later and the decide to head off with them as I had foolishly forgotten to bring a coat for what looked like could be a weekend that produced the next biblical flood.

I didn't wake up with a hangover but the minute we pulled into Stevenage mega mall shopping estate I started to feel ever-so-slightly rough, this, I feel must have been something to do with the brief slipping back into the real world that my body wasn't expecting. I say real world but there was a pirate on a rowing machine in the foyer of Tesco. I was unsuccessful at procuring a coat but did find a comfortable camping chair for a mere £3.60. Bargain.

Back onto the campsite and we start drinking again. My brother arrives and disappears again. We sit around the tent for a number of hours before somebody deciding that we should really be watching some of the bands. We do this. They are not very interesting. My brother's band comes on and there is a bit of a hitch with the sound and they are jamming and sound quite interesting but then they fix the sound.

The Least Annoying Man in the World Tim, Louisa and I go and have a boogie in the freezing cold dance tent to some UK garage which is rather fun and then stand by the pigs wondering when they we are going to be fed. We are not just yet. So we head back over to the tent and drink some more rum and beer. Wayne and Annoying Tim who have been wandering around in a bit of daze all day turn up but I think we must be old and boring because they left to go and throw grass at each other or something.

The two hogs were eventually ready and we stood in a line for our free pork with cold cabbage and potatoes. I went back for seconds straight away and was quite full. Led Zeppelin came on the main stage and a man brought us a big tray of meat which we attacked like the vultures we are. Led Zeppelin stopped but there was still lots of British Blues music being played on the PA which was quite fun dancing to. A DJ followed this and played boring trance music and wasn't very good.

Here the night took a darker turn as I was brutally attacked by the Least Annoying Man in the World Tim for accidentally jumping on him and knocking his practically empty bottle of rum and cup of hot chocolate all over the floor. He hit me not once but twice! I ran off with a drunk Gemma with the Least Annoying Man in the World Tim shouting "That's right you go!!! Baaaaaaaagghhh!!!!" but only to the coffee place to get more hot chocolate. Gemma wanted to go to the dance tent but I insisted on replacing the drink before I was brutally beaten again.

After this incident some of us went to the dance tent but not for very long, it was a bit dull. I decided to get my revenge on Annoying Tim and Wayne for keeping me awake all night by being very loud on my return to the tent, successfully waking them up. I briefly saw my brother again. Then collapsed on my airbed and fell fast asleep.

Hogsozzle Friday

After a morning of slaving over a Team Foundation Server I call it a day and ring Joe to see if he is still on track for the 1pm start that he had promised the night before. Having woken him up I rearranged a time and met Wayne and Annoying Tim in the Oak whilst we were waiting. 3 and a half pints later we were off although not that far because Wayne was in dire need of a wee. We stopped at Watford Gap, relieved ourselves and headed back off, the sat nav decided to take us a very nice scenic route through the Chilterns and we were soon near the festival.

We still needed some provisions for the weekend so we found a Waitrose in Hichin and bought some quality beers, wines and spirits at some fairly reasonable prices before driving through commuter belt to the festival site near Ware. It had been raining quite heavily as we drove down but luckily there was break whilst we tented up, this was rather fortuitous as Waybe and Annoying Tim were far more of a hindrance than help in the erection procedure. Tents up and time for the drinking to begin...

There were some bands on. Also some DJs. It rained. Quite a lot. I got extremely muddy and rather drunk. The Least Annoying Man in the World Tim kept bringing me beer. The dance tent was very cold even colder than it was outside but that didn't stop me from pole dancing even when the bouncer came up and stood next to it. We drank lots and lots of rum. I put mud on Jen's face. We finished the night sitting round the tents drinking more beer and rum until it was too cold to stand it any more.

Then I went back to my tent to discover Wayne and Annoying Tim smoking the 'erb inside telling me they had no intention of going to bed that weekend and every five minutes would ask me if I was still awake. Eventually they either got bored or I managed to drown them out for a few hours and then it was hot and light and I needed a wee in preparation for round number two.